Don’t Should on Yourself - How the Word ‘Should’ Can be Harmful
Written by Tara Tourloukis, BScN RN MPN
How often do you use the word should? How often do we say things like ‘I should really get back to the gym,’ or ‘I should be eating better,’ or ‘I should have finished that faster.’ Gosh, none of that sounds supportive, and in fact, it all sounds like there have been mistakes made, and shame to go around.
Let’s take a look at the Oxford dictionary definition of should – verb “used to indicate obligation, duty, or correctness, typically when criticizing someone's actions.” So, the official definition of the word should, tells us that the word is used when criticizing someone’s actions. Ironically, sometimes we even use the word should as a tool for motivation! I’m going to guess, that you probably use this word a bunch. Because most people do. Whether it’s for motivational purposes or not.
If you read the article on The Wellness Nurse, about replacing but with and, it explored how changing out one word for another, can have a significant impact. Let’s try it again with the word should. Should makes us feel regretful, shameful, and guilty. No one wants to feel these things, and even though we do from time to time, we can work on creating opportunities to shift that around.
Regret – The word should, can make us feel regret about things that did (or didn’t happen) happen, and that we believe ‘should’ have happened in a different way. Unfortunately, no amount of should-ing on yourself can change the past. Don’t should on yourself.
Shame – When we use the word should when referring to something we believe we ought to be doing or a certain way we ought to be feeling, it almost always leads to us feeling shameful about what is. Should takes us out of the present, and into a space that we wish we were living in. Which is okay if we’re doing a visualization exercise, or reading a book, however in this case, should is creating a space where we fail in this moment, and are a much better version of ourselves in a different moment. And if we don’t like who we are in this moment, we’re going to begin to feel that sense of shame, about who we are. We continue to reinforce the idea that we’re not doing something and perpetuate the sense of shame.
Guilt – Sometimes when we use the word should, it reminds us that we’re not doing enough. Yes, we already feeling regretful for the thing I didn’t do last year, and now I feel shame for the things I’m not doing right now. And should is going to help me pile on just a pinch of feeling like I’m not doing enough of something. Maybe I feel like I’m not spending enough undivided time with my kids, or I’m not cooking enough on Sunday to have meals done for the week. And guess what creeps in? You bet, guilt. Guilt created from the word should, is not supportive and once we feel guilty about something, the opposite can actually occur – instead of motivating us to do the thing, we walk away from it.
Judgement – When we use the word should, it often implies that we’re judging, or being judgmental about something. Particularly when used in reference to someone else. ‘You should be more like your sister’ or ‘you should eat less calories and exercise more.’ The funny thing is, you may be using the word in an effort to change someone else’s behaviour, however it may likely do just the opposite. Because all of those other things we’ve covered here – regret, shame and guilt – are what start to move in for that person you’re talking to.
“Should is a futile word. It's about what didn't happen. It belongs in a parallel universe. It belongs in another dimension of space.”
― Margaret Atwood, The Blind Assassin
So, what’s the solution? Remember, small changes can have a big impact. Those small shifts in our language, the way we talk to ourselves and others, can have a big impact.
Stay in the present – Right now is the only moment we have – we have no control over what has happened in the past, and no control over what will happen in the future. If there’s something that you would like to do, do it – or don’t. We set goals for ourselves all the time; some we achieve and some we don’t. Recognizing that you just used the word should, can be a great opportunity to evaluate whether the goal was realistic and achievable. Perhaps it was neither, and it’s just about re-working your goals and expectations.
Remember that all emotions are okay – If we’re feeling upset or angry about something, we don’t need to jump to ‘I should have done that differently,’ right away. Take a step back and explore your emotions ((cue the article on The Wellness Nurse website about cognitive behavioural therapy)). Is there something that could have been different? Can we learn something from our experience, and perhaps make the change moving forward?
Use could or would – Let’s try an example. ‘I should be going for a walk’ —> ‘I could go for a walk, and I don’t feel like it’ —> ‘I could go for a walk at 11am, once I’ve had my coffee and feel more awake.’ Words like are or will can also be used effectively, in place of should. ‘I will go for a walk,’ or ‘we are going to go for a walk.’ When talking to someone else, you can try things like ‘it might be helpful…’ or ‘Can I help you…’ Offering words of support, instead of judgment can go a long way.
As with anything, change is a process. And once we’re aware of something, both the implications of the way we do something and the benefit of shifting that, change almost becomes a bit easier. Try shifting out should for some different words and let me know how it goes!
